November is the worst month ever

I started this blog in the loveliest month of the year, July, so I feel I must address what is without a doubt, the awfullest month of the year, November. Whoever said April is the cruelest month* has obviously never spent five minutes in Minnesota in November when you can go from sock-less to wearing a Marge Gunderson style hat in less than 24 hours. Seriously, last week I did not have to wear socks AT ALL and today I had to wear not only socks but boots, winter boots, not even fun fashion-y ones. There is no in between or transition time allowed, it just happens in a nanosecond so whoever is in charge of the weather (Mother Nature, God, Buddha) obviously does not like us much.

I could use that hat right about now, minus the badge

I could use that hat right about now Marge, minus the badge

What is so bad about November you ask? Well, for starters the clocks go back so the sun sets even earlier and the days are still getting shorter so that extra few moments of daylight you get in the morning are totally gone by the time turkey day rolls around. Oh yay, more darkness said no one ever in the history of the world. After the clocks go back they come for the port-a-potties at the park, not that I would ever use them mind you (ew, and double ew), it is just the very idea of them being gone that is upsetting. And as of this past weekend, the sign went dark at the Dairy Queen so no more blizzards or crunch cones or anything of the like in the neighborhood. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t really like ice cream, but I do like DQ occasionally and I particularly like a crunch cone every once in a while and now that is yet another thing totally off the table for months, like short sleeves or sandals or humidity. I like a little humidity, it is good for the skin and gives me big hair. Yes I know there are indoor Dairy Queens but we all know that the outdoor stands are a superior ice cream eating experience even if you are shivering and wearing mittens at the time which is precisely what I will be doing come March when it reopens.

See you in March my old friend

See you in March my old friend

Unlike July, I would do just about anything to get out of proverbial frozen Dodge right about now. What have we got to look forward to now, Black Friday? Why even the sales in November sound like they were made up by one of the Bronte sisters. When I was a kid the store formerly known as Dayton’s (RIP, I still grieve for you, especially every time I walk through your replacement) best sale was the Daisy Sale, now isn’t that an inspiring non-bleak name for a sale? Fresh and flowery, the Daisy Sale was in June and it was always sunny and never ever rained or was cold. Okay I am totally making that last bit up but it was a superior store and so were their sales, and they were on the good stuff too, not just the crap store brands like the chain whose name rhymes with Lacey’s. Dayton’s print ads and Sunday newspaper inserts were a thing of beauty and something to look forward to, they made you want to shop there, especially the Oval Room, which was where all the fancy ladies who lunch went to buy their Chanel.

As repugnant as NOvember (typo, but it is how I feel about it) is, once it has passed, December and January don’t seem so bad. December is all Christmas-y and Elf  (I love that movie) is on like every other day and January is bright  and the days are getting longer again and the I-don’t-ever-want-to-leave-my-house-ever of November (except to go to a beach–which I will be doing in precisely fifteen days) has been replaced by the get-me-the-hell-out-of-the-house-itis of January. Really, I’ll do just about anything, things I normally would not be caught dead doing any other month of the year. Hollywood blockbuster, arcade, roller skating, heck, I’d even go to the Mall of America, willingly, and that is generally my idea of the seventh circle of hell and I don’t ever want to go there, although it would be warm.

Take your least favorite thing to do times 100 and that is how I feel about going to this place

Take your least favorite thing to do and multiply it times 100 and that is how I feel about going to this place, usually

February has no redeeming qualities that I can think of, other than it is short even during leap years. Now March can be super snowy but the clocks go ahead and it kinda sorta smells like spring so who cares? Also the Dairy Queen opens back up and the port-a-potties return (still not using them) and then next thing you know we have a 40 degree day or two and people are wearing shorts and driving convertibles with their tops down. Minnesota, you gotta love it. Just not in November.

I adore this song, I play it in my car real loud and I don’t care if the other drivers give me funny looks because it is awesome and they are awesome and you should check out their website and download this song because all the proceeds benefit the MN Women’s Foundation and that is a Martha Stewart-style good thing.

* of course I know it was TS Eliot who said that, I was originally an English major in college but he was never one of my faves, not even close.

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