Girl, you’re gonna be disappointed

First of all, gross. Who wants to wear their fiancé’s dead old tooth on their hitching finger? I don’t care how nice the setting is or if is made from platinum mined by the original seven dwarves (although that would be pretty cool), that is just nasty.

According to a story on Buzzfeed a couple of hipsters with some not-so-subliminal serial killer tendencies decided that gem stones were just too boring for their one true love and thought an excavated wisdom tooth was more representative of their mutual affection than a gem stone. Which kinda takes the notion of blood diamonds to a whole ‘nother level and not one I want to visit any time soon.

I get their frustration at the whole wedding industrial complex and how it can make brides-to-be think that if they are not wearing a diamond the size of a Yugo on their finger then the groom-to-be must be a right cheap bastard. Yet if they ever tried to sell said Yugo sized diamond they would never ever get back what they originally paid for it. Depreciation ‘bro, it’s not just for cars anymore.

Secondly, I can tell you from my own personal experience that wisdom teeth have a short shelf life, which given today’s divorce rate might not be such a problem for Carlee and Lucas. I had four of those suckers removed and it was a nightmare, I woke up from the anesthesia before they were done and bled for three days before they decided I needed more stitches. Even though I was barely functioning I made sure I got those four bad asses in an envelope as a reminder of how valiant a battle they fought not to be removed from my mouth. Seriously, they were the worst squatters ever.

A few years later I was cleaning out a drawer and found the little envelope with my dental souvenirs. I decided to revisit my past and opened up the clasp only to find four wisdom teeth in various stages of decomposition. No wonder some of my reserve socks had a less than fresh scent. So take it from me Carlee, ditch the tooth and go for the diamond, it’ll last longer and should you ever find yourself in a financial pinch you can always sell it for Yugo.

 

 

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