Mysteries of life

More questions I want the answers to

Where did Rene Zellweger’s old face go? Because apparently she lost it. Yes there is a lot of stuff going on in the world right now, Ebola, Isis (the terrorist group, not the cute lab from Downton Abbey), the mid-term elections and the unfathomable fact that Paul Rudd is still not my husband, yet the biggest media story a couple of weeks ago was the appearance of Renee Zellweger at a Hollywood event that put the media’s knickers in a twist. Honestly the more surprising story would have been about someone in Hollywood around her age NOT messing with their face because if you are a woman over thirty, let alone forty, you have pretty much entered the Mrs. Roper/Valerie Cherish* zone of only being cast as someone’s mother or a mentally challenged landlady with a stock phrase and a track suit.

Is this the new female Doctor?

Is this the new female Doctor?

There are lots of Hollywood stars who now look more like they could be related to someone famous rather than actually being that person. Getting older is hard enough for us plebes let alone famous people who are being scrutinized like never before thanks to the internet where everyone is a critic from the safety of their own couch, most likely located in their parent’s basement. Renee Zellweger, like Meg Ryan before her, has every right to do whatever she wants to do to her appearance, no matter what the consequences. What I do have a problem with however, was her response to the all the hullabaloo in which she credits her Doctor Who-like regeneration into practically another person down to being happier and healthier.

Umm, liar, liar pants on fire. Anyone equipped with two eyes and at least one of them working knows that something other than eating a bunch of kale and thinking happy thoughts was involved in her transformation. I have to admit I have a bit of a dog in this fight as Ms. Happy Healthy Face is one of the celebs random strangers in elevators or in airports seem to think I look like (the other being Ellen Pompeo from Grey’s Anatomy but we are not talking about her today). Whether or not looking like the actress formerly known as Squinty Zellweger can be taken as a compliment depends entirely upon if that person thinks she is cute so I am going to say yes, it WAS a compliment. One I probably won’t have to worry about anymore since I am apparently not that happy or healthy and still have her old face.


What is the name of the cat in Gone Girl? Obviously I did not read the book or I would know the answer to this very simple question. And I could probably Google it but where is the fun in that? So I am just going to assume it was a boy kitty, and it was a ginger so I am going to call him Little Ed Sheeran in honor of Taylor Swifty’s best friend. I mean come on, have you seen what Ed Sheeran looked like as a child? He was totally adorable.

So much ginger cuteness!

So much ginger cuteness!

Anyway, whatever that cat is called in real life he is a major star in the making. Every scene Little Ed was in he stole. Forget about the missing (spoilers!) Amazing Amy, or her lousy husband Nick Dunne, or Ben Affleck showing the world his baby maker (I missed it, not a good sign Ben) and Rosamund Pike’s precise bob she supposedly cut HERSELF while hiding out at Doogie Howser’s lake house. No, what kept me on the edge of my seat nervously eating my popcorn was worrying about the safety of that poor ginger kitty who had to live with those two psychos.

Put that adorable ginger man down right now!

Run away Little Ed, run!!!


Why is Target always out of half the crap I need? I grew up on Target, it’s practically in my DNA to shop there. As a kid my mom went every Saturday, it’s how my Barbie got to be so very well dressed and where I blew my weekly allowance. Target is also responsible for how I found out Santa (spoilers!) was not real. We had a cedar closet in the house I grew up in and one day I went there to look for something and found a Thingmaker**. Obviously I was not supposed to find it so I did my best to forget about it until Christmas when it was one of my presents allegedly from Santa yet it still had the Target price tag on it. Hmm, I was like, what the hell? My mom saw what a BIG mistake she had made and started backtracking and telling me some lame-ass story about how the elves sometimes got really busy so Santa had to get toys from Target to make up the difference. She was essentially telling me that Santa was outsourcing way before it became fashionable for car makers and every other manufacturer in the US to do so but I wasn’t buying it. If Santa was a lie, what else were they not telling me the truth about? I had seen my birth certificate so I knew I wasn’t adopted but what about the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, were none of them real?


As an adult this tradition of going to Target weekly (at a minimum) has continued only now I spend all my allowance on paper goods (you can never have too much IMO), pet supplies (some dogs expect Pupperoni every time they go outside to pee), and cleaning supplies (some cats are furry bulimics that don’t even try to hide their disorder). So it is really galling to me that they seem to be out of basic items on a regular basis and the problem only seems to be getting worse. I don’t know if it is a secret plot to get us all to buy their brand of products but there are somethings you can’t swap Up & Up out for. 2014 was not a particularly good year for Target, so I will cut them a little slack, but they better step up their game for 2015 or our long-term relationship may be in big trouble.


Why can’t you buy an actual book in a book store? Believe me, I have tried. I admit I was not looking for Gone Girl, or anything by Dan Brown (nope, not ever) but the last three books I have wanted to read were nowhere to be found at a brick and mortar store. The last one I tried to find was a recent release, it had been reviewed in all the usual places and yet it was as elusive finding shorts in Minnesota in July, which is impossible because of all the coats and sweaters everywhere. I tried again yesterday to find a YA novel for a teen in my family thinking she would like it and despite its high praise from the New York Times and being turned into a movie by Dreamworks next year, nada. And telling me you can order it for me is not helpful since I can do that all by myself thank you very much. It is almost like Bernard Black owns all the bookstores in town and we all know Bernard does not really want to sell anyone a book, ever.


How can anyone not vote?: As someone who has been politically active since age eight, I can’t quite understand the apathy people have towards voting. Every vote does count, and every election does matter no matter how many times the man (aka the 1%) try to tell you otherwise. Whether it is your local school board election or the next president, they all matter, as the recent situation in Jefferson County Colorado proves all too well. Leave it to one looney tunes character on the school board to pass a resolution that only history based on patriotism and the benefits of free-enterprise could be taught in an AP class and all hell breaks loose. Nothing like taking a college level class and skipping over all the messy-but-true bits in order to spend more time learning how great Walmart is.

Mid-term elections have notoriously low turn-out, and it is very easy for just about anyone to be turned off because of the barrage of negative ads we are subjected to for what seems like a year in advance. I can’t even watch my local news to find out the weather or if anyone has been murdered or sexually assaulted in my work neighborhood again without keeping the mute button on for half of it and I kind of need to know these things.

In college I was an exit poller for NBC News and I was an election judge until my early retirement a couple of years back. It actually hurts both my head and my heart to tell you how ill-informed the average Joe and Jane Q Public are about government and voting and how the whole process works. It’s like nobody paid attention in school and slept in late on Saturdays so they missed every episode of Schoolhouse Rock which explained it all to you in three minutes with a catchy tune to boot.



 * You have seen The Comeback right? the first season is available on Amazon Prime for no extra monies and the second season will air soon on HBO. Check it out, you won’t regret it

** Back in the 70s dangerous toys were all the rage. Thingmakers had metal plates that heated up to like a billion degrees; Clackers were two glass balls on a string that sometimes chipped shards of glass into people’s faces or eyes; Jarts, sharp metal lawn darts that were not only dangerous but lethal as well. Why even something as simple as a kid’s chemistry set back then could blow someone’s hand off and no I am not exaggerating as it happened to a kid in my neighborhood when I was ten. Of course I was at summer camp when it occurred but believe me I heard all the gory details when I came home and there were loads of them.

If you have fond memories of glass shards in your face or being impaled by a Jart, or perhaps even losing a limb to a child’s chemistry set, then you would probably enjoy this toy exhibit at the Minnesota History Center where you could relive all the pain and the glory as well as see some of the non-lethal but more boring toys like Pokey & Gumby and Cootie.












Questions I really want the answers to

Where is that plane?  Seriously. It has been almost five months since Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 went missing with 239 passengers and crew. For the first few days after the disappearance you could understand the confusion but as the various theories were explored and disproved,  and the days turned to weeks,  which then turned to months,  the disappearance and lack of answers morphed into the absurd. And when The New York Times ran a story this past week that said we could all be geographically tracked by the cat photos we post on the internet, it becomes even harder to understand how the largest commercial jet in the world could completely disappear without a trace. My heart really breaks for all those families waiting to find out what happened to their loved ones. The next time I fly I am totally not turning off my phone. (true life confession:  I flew at least a couple of times after I got my first iPhone without turning it off because I was doing it wrong.)

not really my cat

Oh no!! Now The New York Times knows where I live.

Does Steve Nicks ever wear jeans? I mean she has been famous for like a eleventy billion years yet I don’t think she has ever been seen in public without her never-ending supply of fortune-teller lady skirts. In fact, I wonder if she even owns a pair of pants? What does she wear to Target when she has to go buy mundane things like paper towel, Advil and kitty litter?  Just imagine how hard it would be to ride a bike without all those scarf-y things getting stuck in the spokes, and how super dangerous it would be to go to a bonfire on the beach when one swift breeze could set your entire nether regions ablaze? And now that I think of it, I don’t think our hometown fashionista himself Mr. Prince has ever been seen in denim either. Probably not even at the Minnesota State Fair or while making pancakes.



Why are there pimentos in green olives? Back in the olde (intentional typo) days when I was a kid, I thought those slimy red things in the middle of olives were just the pits before they ripened and turned into black olives. No judging, it was a simpler time, well before we had a Whole Foods in practically every town and fancy olive bars in most grocery stores. It still is beyond my comprehension WHY anyone at the olive factory ever thought that pimentos in olives was a good idea because it is not. In fact, it is repulsive. On the other hand, blue cheese or manchego or even garlic in olives is an excellent idea and lovely.

Who is the father of January Jones’s son?  Of course this is really nobody’s business except the parties involved  but this is a stone-cold Hollywood gossip mystery of which there are few remaining in this age of show and tell everything. There are plenty of suspects: Bobby Flay (you would think the child would be a ginger, but you never know?), Jason Sudeikis (he has daddy abandonment issues, so it doesn’t seem like he would repeat that history), Matthew Vaughn (the director married to poor Claudia Schiffer with his own father Robert Vaughn, the man who U.N.C.L.E himself, denying his paternity ), and Michael Fassbender (Fassy, no! I refuse to believe it). Why there has not been this much speculation on who’s the daddy since Hester Prynne had a baby without a noticeable husband in the Scarlet Letter.

How come this cat looks so guilty? And why don’t my cats ever look or feel guilty doing much worse things than opening a drawer and finding perhaps just a little too much comfort in a piece of tulle?