Milk Duds

The unbearable lightness of being without Amazon Prime

Like a lot of people in the first world I have been thinking about cutting the cable cord for quite some time. I have no premium channels, internet or phone bundled with my bill and yet it is still almost a hundred dollars a month. Ridiculous, right? Especially when you figure I watch most shows on Netflix and use maybe four cable channels out of the hundreds I supposedly have. Having cable has become even less relevant since God and Apple got together earlier this spring and gave the world HBO Now. (I have a sneaky feeling Steve Jobs was somehow involved.) No more having to wait for a Comcast Watch-a-thon to get caught up on Girls and Veep and anything else I can cram into a week of being glued to my TV 24/7 minus sleeping and working times.

I was going to cut the cord at the beginning of the year, but it was winter and it seems that I must have been some sort of hibernating bear or ground-hog in a previous life because I never want to do ANYTHING from January until late March when fish fry Fridays are usually in full swing and it smells like spring. But then it was baseball season and the Twins were on and the only way you can see the games live is with cable because Comcast is practically a terrorist organization holding my beloved team hostage and the next thing you know it is August and I have already paid those shysters enough money to fly somewhere where they have sloths. This little cutie is in Chicago so I could probably take a limo to the airport, stay in a swank hotel and make a weekend out of it.

But if my old dad could listen to baseball on the radio his whole life well then so could I for what is left of mine, which is what I plan to do for the next non-winning Twins season. Between Netflix, HBO Now, Apple TV and one or two of these funky looking HD antennas so I can watch my local news, I should be just fine. There are however, a couple of problems* that are ruining my being able to follow my cable-free bliss and one of them is named Amazon Prime, aka Amazon Instant or anything else with Amazon in the title that isn’t a river in South America. Think of them as the Frau Farbissina to Comcast’s Dr. Evil and you pretty much get the picture. I guess that makes Hulu Plus the poor delusional Scotty of the bunch.

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You see I really, really want to see the show Catastrophe, it has everything I love going for it plus a bag of chips, yet I can’t watch it unless I pay $99 to get Prime because unlike other shows on Amazon Instant you can’t purchase this one individually. For six measly episodes that taps out at about $17 a pop and I have to buy my own popcorn. Seems a little steep even by Comcast standards. What about that thirty-day free trial you say? Well, Amazon must have gotten wise to that jive because I tried it for thirty days last year (and to be honest the year before) and now I am being ghosted, just like Charlize Theron did to Sean Penn, only I am not skeevy at all like Sean Penn surely is and it’s not like I want to get back together forever with Amazon Prime, just long enough so I can watch six half-hour shows and maybe stock up on a little bit of strawberry Jell-O for some Kinky pudding shots since you can’t buy that stuff anywhere in stores. 

For those of you lucky enough to have access to Amazon Prime and therefore Catastrophe you should definitely check it out. The show stars American comedian Rob Delaney, who I only know from the Twittersphere, and Irish comedic gem Sharon Horgan, who became one of my all-time faves after creating and starring in Pulling, quite possibly the funniest, bestest show ever about women and dating from either side of the pond. (Did you know you can watch shows on IMDB? Click on the link and you will see.) And for those of us unlucky enough to not have access to either can you please invite us over real soon? Unlimited popcorn and Milk Duds are totally on me.

*the other problem is the actual breaking up part, the internet is rife with horror stories of people trying to cut the cord and practically having to go into the witness protection program afterwards.

Pour some sugar on me

According to either Kate Moss or Anna Wintour or any one or another of those skinny beyotches nothing tastes as good as skinny feels but obviously none of them has ever had a Glam Doll donut, McDonald’s french fries or a really good macaron.

The Dark Angel, my favorite!

The Dark Angel one of my many favorites from the Dolls

If you are skinny it can supposedly add ten years to your life, but they’re like the worst ten years, between say 80 and 100, and really who needs anymore of those? If I deprive myself of all the good stuff I want an extra ten years between say 30 and 45 when all of my parts still look and work pretty good, not in my Hurry-Cane/Lark years.

OMG, is that a poodle? And blue is my favorite color. I have seen my future and it is SCARY!!!

OMG, is that a poodle? And blue is my favorite color. I have seen my future and it is scary

After my birthday last month and trying on some ill-fitting summer clothes from my own closet I decided to try and drop a couple of pounds. I used to think my biggest food weakness was a love for all things bread-like, this whole gluten-free phenomena just gives me a big case of the sads because I can’t imagine living the rest of my life being afraid of a delicious piece of bread. God made bread for a reason, for toast, as a lovely receptacle for peanut butter and cute little egg salad croissant sandwiches, I could go on and on. Obviously if you have celiac disease that is a whole ‘nother story and I feel mega-sorry for you, like I do people who are allergic to cats because to me that is a disability and the government should pay for your allergy meds so you can experience the love of a good cat.

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I stink at dieting though and thought about doing Seattle Sutton’s again, but I’ve been there and done that and I like to try new and exciting ways to deprive myself so I figured a cleanse was in order. Before you do a cleanse they tell you to eliminate processed foods (not a problem), fast food (still not a problem), reduce caffeine (kind of a BIG problem) and eliminate sugar (did not think was a problem). I was intrigued by Zula Juice and thought I would try a mini weekend cleanse just to see if I could pull off a real three-day cleanse sometime in the future.

I did not go 100% caffeine free (that would be absurd), but I did cut WAY back and was doing much better than I thought I could ever do minus the running to the bathroom eight million times in an afternoon. I did juices for two out of three meals, and ate a veggie-filled dinner (i.e. salad). The killer for me was not my lack of toast for breakfast, no siree Bob, the bad boyfriend of this little scheme was not having any candy AT ALL for two days. TWO DAYS. I could barely go a weekend without a Starburst or a Milk Dud in my life. Every time I walked past my candy dish I practically cried real tears, and to watch a movie without Milk Duds, why that is like a day without sunshine and I don’t like those kind of days, not one little bit. Apparently my sugar addiction runs deep and I am not ashamed to admit it.

If loving you is wrong I don't want to be right

If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right

Which brings me back to Miss Moss, who recently got kicked off an easyJet plane for being disruptive. Perhaps if she ate a Starburst or two she wouldn’t be so obstreperous? Supposedly she was in the mood for a sandwich so there you go,  even drunk-ass skinny aficionado Kate Moss likes bread, at least some of the time.

But the much bigger question in that amusing little story is why a super model worth millions of dollars would be flying on a beyond budgetary airline like easyJet when I, a non-super model worth thousands (at best, if I count everything in my piggy bank and car) won’t even fly Spirit (the American equivalent)? I mean flying sucks enough these days in coach on a normal airline, why be even more miserable in an airline that practical charges you to breathe and probably has pay toilets? Why Kate why?